Well, possibly it's because life is rolling and blossoming and unfolding in front of me all the time. And of course there are huge challenges and terrifying emotional jumps-off-cliffs as well.
This is all certainly never been more true than the 4 years or so since the last time I posted on here. 14 months ago I birthed twin boys, at 39 years old. Now I'd like to say "Oh it was an easy journey, full of sunshine and magical experiences" and it was. It really was. But the rest of the story is that I spent the 2-3 years prior to this experience riddled with anxiety and stress about the decision to have children at all.
Could I have kids?
Would I be a good parent?
Do I have the support to get me through this?
Should I go off my medication, possibly risking a worsening of otherwise stable and minimal symptoms of MS?
Was it fair to bring children into a family where their mom might have medical issues that would affect their lives?
I was paralyzed with fear for at least a year. I worked and went through the motions of life. Crazy stuff continued to happen, like my far-flung mother moved basically to my doorstep from across the country. This brought up a whole new layer of worry over what kind of mother I was going to be, and whether I could really care for her and a family of my own.
I started seeing a therapist after I had a breakdown in my doctor's office just trying to explain that I questioned whether I wanted to have kids. At my age, every doctor started asking me if this was in my plan, presumably because I'd need to make changes (meds) to even think about it.
This therapist sat patiently through several emotional-crisis appointments. At one point I told her I know a few people who have a parent who has MS, and I know it was so hard for them growing up with that. She pointed out that in the last 5-10 years big gains have been made in managing MS and my experience is also totally unique. Then she asked me what these friends of mine are like, "Are they compassionate people?"
I had to answer that, yes, they were all very good people: close to their families, and happy and successful, and indeed, compassionate people. This really was a turning point in my worry, in that it took a slight step back in my decision-making process, although I still worry every day.
I quit MS medications after speaking with my neurologist, for 2 months, I got MRIs done and yada yada. I had previously quit birth control medications for other reasons. I charted my cycle. I got pregnant. At the first ultrasound the screen flashed across a large circle and then another circle. "It's twins," I thought, right as the tech said so. My husband repeated, "Oh my god," about 40 times.
So here I was, a high risk pregnancy on a number of fronts. 39 years old, twins, MS patient, no previous pregnancies. They kept running tests. Some of them I refused, others I requested. Each decision was grueling and scary.
It was not really easy, I was nauseous forever and ever and ever, I gained weight. I was tired. I kept working. Thankfully I didn't have a lot of other pain really, like headaches or heartburn or other things some women deal with during pregnancy. I was lucky for that. At 30 weeks they put me in the high risk pregnancy ward and monitored me incessantly for a few days before rushing me into an unplanned c-section when my blood pressure sky rocketed in response to or conjunction with distress from the smaller twin. I never went into labor.
The twin boys (2 lbs and 3 lbs) went into the NICU for 8 weeks and then one came home, on a heart monitor, tiny as could be at 4 lbs. For a whole week one baby was at home and one was in NICU, and it was against the rules to bring the discharged baby back to NICU. So my husband and I were split in two and worried over weird test results from the twin left in NICU. Day in and day out, each night bleeding into the next sleepless night. We called the sun "The Scareball."
But both babies came home and got bigger and stronger. They ate more and more, and they started to smile, and they grew stronger and stronger. I pumped milk but had great difficulty because I did not get the physiological connection/response due to the distance NICU caused, and because it was painful and slow for me to pump. Every 3 hours I pumped for an hour. It was extremely hard. It took me away from my babies for 1 out of every 3 hours which was torture enough.
I was able to find a friend of a friend as a milk donor to supplement my small output and we continued with about 50% formula as well. We did that for about 8 months until the donor's baby started using up her full supply, and we increased formula. I quit pumping a little after 10 months when my husband injured his back and I simply could not spare the time and baby-watching coverage to pump.
I worked full-time, we hired a nanny, and my husband and I took turns working from home and taking time off frequently. At 4 months they had to have a fairly minor surgery. It was a surreal year. I don't know who that mom was that managed all that and still had a smile for those babies 50 times a day.
The twins (boys) are 14 months old now. They're on their own preemie timeline of development, as typical. They are amazing and sweet and adorable and quite healthy. We have pieced life together. We have to re-evaluate every few weeks because so much changes so quickly, and because it is pain-staking to keep working under these circumstances. I feel guilty frequently. I feel disconnected. I feel lonely. I feel unsure. And terrified. And pressured.
But I try to focus on the bliss that comes along several times a day. I focus on gratitude and the infinite possibilities ahead.
